


Any Mud Man

by sleepymccoy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Flirting, Fluff, Golem - Freeform, Injury, M/M, Post canon, also tentacles feature, briefly written fighting sequence, character gets briefly hurt, descriptions of violence but honestly when is there not in taz, kissing and worry, they fire off a few shots, undead bats, worried taako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 19:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13418268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepymccoy/pseuds/sleepymccoy
Summary: Taako, Merle, and Mangus are halfway through an unexpected battle with someone who is clearly a necromancer. Taako kinda knows he should tell Kravitz cos, you know, necromancers are sort of his business, but there's no reason Kravitz needs to know? Then Kravitz turns up.





	Any Mud Man

Taako sprinted, reaching the large rock Merle had immediately hidden behind just after Magnus did. The three of them hunkered down behind the stone, out of reach of the necromancer behind them who seemed unwilling to leave his corner of pentagrams. Magnus raised his shield above them, protecting them from the onslaught of rocks and undead bats the necromancer down the far end of the cave was flinging their way. Taako looked at Merle, catching his attention, and rolled his eyes. This was entirely Magnus’ fault. 

The peppering of rocks and bats ceased and the three of them stilled, listening closely. Merle handed out some healing potions and they all downed them, Taako sighing happily at the sensation that ran through him, it was like the pride you feel after eating a carrot but more tangible.

There was a sound of tearing that Taako recognised but couldn't place and that oddly turned him on. He and Magnus turned and knelt, peeking over the top of the rock. Merle was shorter than the rock and didn't bother to try and look. 

There was a large mud creature in the room that definitely hadn't been there before. It looked like it had managed to form arms and a head fairly well, but was having trouble creating legs that kept their shape. The necromancer who they’d been fighting moments earlier had stilled and was staring at the golem as it stabilized itself, it's center of weight constantly shifting as its legs formed and reformed. It gave up shortly and just extended up from the ground like a pillar with dripping arms and slipping eyebrows.

“Is that Kravitz?” Magnus muttered.

Taako glared at him. “I don't fucking know,” he whispered angrily. “I don't have some gaydar boyfriend sensor set up, that’s just a mud man! Could be any mud man! It's not necessarily a dead-boy golem.”

Magnus hummed. “He's got that book thing like what Kravitz had in the crystal cave.”

Taako looked back at the muddy man and, sure enough, he was holding a Reaper’s balance book. “Well that doesn't necessarily mean its Kravitz, could be any Reaper, there are like eight,” he said. The Reaper started to list the man’s infractions against the Astral Plane in a thick cockney accent. Taako glanced at Magnus, who was watching him knowingly. “They all use that accent, it's a work thing,” Taako said defensively. 

Magnus smiled. “Does Lup sound like that?”

“She went for more of a Scottish brogue. Barry's trying for British but he sounds Belgian really.” Taako kept watching the mud guy, he was dripping mud onto his book but none of it seemed to stain the page. As he watched the golem closed the book, having reached the end of his list, and threw it behind him, letting it slip from his fingers and dissolve back into the astral plane. Taako knew that habit, the unnecessary drama and soft mysticism inherent. 

“Yeah, I think that is Krav,” Taako muttered, half hoping Magnus wouldn’t hear him. 

Magnus shifted immediately, going to stand. “Well let's go help him out!” He said loudly. Luckily the necromancer was in the middle of a rant about his rights to his powers and covered up Magnus’ exclamation. Taako grabbed Magnus’ shoulder and pulled him back down. 

“Fuck. No,” Taako said. “He doesn't like it when I fight necromancers, says I'm ruining the Reaper job market when they're already over staffed.” He glanced at Merle, suddenly self conscious that he was coming off as a good and considerate boyfriend. Better fix that up quick. “Or something, I dunno, I didn't really listen,” he said flippantly. Merle huffed at him. 

As they watched, the tension broke. The necromancer threw a dark bolt of lightning at Kravitz whose mud body shifted back and to the side, avoiding the ray. The mud on his upper arm bubbled and boiled with the heat, solidifying slightly like the surface of an Australian desert. Kravitz immediately threw his arms up, thin ropes extending out and thickening, wrapping surely around the necromancer, pulling him back and away from his apparently ineffectual protective pentagram. Kravitz sighed, looking at the necromancer like he was disappointed.

“Ooh, bones,” Taako moaned, very deeply impressed with the casual power Kravitz controlled. Merle grumbled under his breath at him. 

Kravitz pulled the book out again and began to tiredly relist his infractions. Taako sighed, Kravitz really made his bounty hunts sound like more fun than this one was looking like. As Taako watched, growing increasingly bored, a dead but definitely animated bat fell onto Taako’s hand. He shrieked loudly and flung it off. It landed on Merle, who shouted and kicked it back onto Taako who began to flail, hitting at the thing.

“Oh, get rid of it, get rid of it, fuck, get rid of it,” Taako shouted. Magnus reached over and picked it up, barely flinching as it whacked his wrists with it’s broken wings, and threw it across the room. The thing landed loudly, still screeching. Taako took a breath and held it, hoping against hope that Kravitz hadn’t noticed them.

“Who's back there?” Kravitz called, still using his work accent. Taako saw Magnus peek back up over the stone, hidden under his shield. Taako joined him, watching Kravitz as he studied their rock. He turned back to the necromancer, pointing at them. A small amount of mud flew off his arm with the movement. “Are they yours? Cos if you've raised humans there's no getting out of this, Gov’,” He said. 

Magnus looked at Taako. Taako rolled his eyes again and spoke, making his voice higher and feminine, hoping to disguise it well enough to fool Kravitz. “No we're, ah, very alive, not dead at all, none of your business,” he said liltingly.

He saw Kravitz’ mud eyebrows fall into a frown. “Come out here slowly,” he said.

Taako cleared his throat, forcing his voice even higher. “If it's all the same to you, handsome stranger, we'll stay back here and let you go about your work without interruption.” 

Kravitz stared at them for a moment and Taako thought it might have worked, but then, “I really don't want to leave this fool alone but I will, and I’ll deal with you if you make me,” Kravitz said.

“Fuck, fine,” Taako said. He moved to stand up. Magnus took the hint and stood quickly, revealing himself first.

“I- Magnus?” Kravitz dropped the cockney accent immediately. 

Taako cast a quick gust of wind, nothing fancy but enough to make his hair move well. He stood and spun, facing Kravitz. His hair billowed out and he smiled, taking the moment to blatantly check him out, even though he was still a mud golem. It was the effect he had that counted. “Hey, baby,” he said flirtily.

“Taako?” Kravitz said, dumbfounded. The mud shape began to slip, the size of his body getting smaller. “What are y- Merle?” He said as Merle waddled out from behind the rock. “What are you doing here?”

Taako slid over the rock, landing poorly and stumbling a little. He was hot enough to carry it off. “Well, we were having lunch,” he said, “Like I told you I’d be, and the lady next to us was having some trouble with a kitchen- or something- I didn’t listen, and she overheard us discussing past campaigns and asked if we'd do her a favour so, naturally, I said no-”

“So did I,” Merle interrupted, “But Magnus said yes, so here we are.”

Kravitz shucked off the last of the mud, back to his usual handsome self, skin and all. “Why didn't you call me?” he asked, stepping towards them.

Taako walked, flicking his hair behind him as he did. They’d been inconvenient during the fight but now he was overjoyed that he was wearing some hot heels. “Oh sugar pie, I let you raw me but that is a kindness, you ain't my keeper! Taako does whatever the fuck Taako wants, dead dick be damned,” he said flippantly.

Kravitz wasn’t moving but he managed to stumble. “No, I mean, of course you can do what you want but this-” He scratched his eyebrow, glancing self consciously at the necromancer still tied up to the wall. “This is clearly necromancy, Taako, that's my job. Literally my job.”

Taako paused his walk and pointed and the man. “He's a necromancer?” He repeated slowly, his voice full of innocent wonder and revelation. He put his hand on his chest, his fingers spread. “I had no idea- he's a necromancer?”

Kravitz sighed. “Taako, there-” He stopped talking and flew across the room. It took Taako a moment to realise why, then he noticed the necromancer lowering his arm, his finger still smoking, grinning triumphantly. Taako looked at Kravitz, he was on the floor, his skin gone, the forehead of his skull was slightly blackened. 

“Fuck,” Taako spat, then he turned around and cast Evard’s Black Tentacles, pinning the necromancer’s every limb and extremity to the wall. He curled a tentacle around each of the man's fingers and toes, holding him completely still. He noticed Merle trotting up behind him and threw his arm out, stopping him. “Merle what in fuckeries name are you doing here, go check on Krav!”

“Right, cleric powers, gotcha,” Merle muttered, turning around to walk off towards Kravitz. Taako made sure he didn’t watch, he needed to ensure this necromancer didn’t fire off another shot and there wasn’t all that much he could do for Kravitz if he was seriously hurt. And he really didn’t want to see that black mark on Kravitz’ head again.

Magnus barrelled past him and punched the necromancer. He made contact, the sound was awful. The necromancer spat, some blood spraying. Magnus hit him again and his head lolled.

“Shit, Magnus! My man!” Taako yelled, throwing his hands up happily. 

Magnus turned and smiled. “I’m a strong guy, what can I say?” He looked back at the necromancer, poking him curiously. The guy was conscious, but barely moving. Taako watched for another moment, judging how needed he was here. He decided Magnus had this covered.

“You’ll watch him?” Taako asked, aware that his voice had gotten a little small. He was already stepping back, moving towards Kravitz and Merle.

“Yeah, go,” Magnus waved him off. 

“I healed him up some, but I only did half, I think it’s something to do with him being dead and all,” Merle said as Taako approached. 

Taako nodded. “He is dead,” he agreed. He didn't know how that worked, sometimes Merle tried to heal people and sometimes it worked. Whatever. He knelt down, looking at Kravitz. Merle had fixed up the worrying black mark. “You alright there, cadaver?” Taako muttered. 

Kravitz turned to look at him, his gaze intense despite him not having eyeballs. “Why are you here?” he asked quietly.

Taako touched Kravitz’ cheekbone softly. “I didn’t mean to be. Will it makes things easier for you if I kill him?”

Kravitz sighed. “No, I’ve got it,” he said. He sat up and took a breath, then stood. 

Taako caught his hand, he was steady but Taako was feeling a certain amount of responsibility for Kravitz getting hit. “You’re good, homie?” 

Kravitz put his hand on top of Taako’s and looked at him. “I’m good, gorgeous,” he said fondly. Taako could hear the smile in his voice, even though all he could see were his pearly whites.

Kravitz turned and walked towards the spread eagle necromancer and greeted him formally. “Mr. Fields, I’m adding intent to kill an emissary of the Raven Queen to your list, I’m going to need to take you to the Astral plane now. Please remain still.” Kravitz looked up at the man, he was tied in place by Kravitz’ ropes and Taako’s writhing tentacles. “Just like that,” he said smugly. 

Fields began to object, talking quickly. Kravitz ignored him, summoning his scythe and quickly thrusting it through the man’s heart. Fields seemed to shudder for a moment, then his body went still. Kravitz watched something Taako couldn’t see for a few more moments, then turned away from the scene. 

“You still got it, hottie,” Taako said happily. 

Kravitz turned to Taako and looked at him for a moment. Taako needed to get better at reading skeletal-Krav emotions. Kravitz threw his arms out, exasperated. “Honey, I swear I didn’t know he was gonna be a necromancer,” Taako groaned.

“Undead bats didn’t give it away?” Kravitz asked. He could hide his expression with his Boney M inspired face, but he couldn’t hide the amusement in his tone. 

“Taako’s good,” Taako said, “Taako’s resting perception; not so good.”

Kravitz chuckled. He walked to Taako, stopping in front of him. “I gotta get back to work, finish this guy up. Paperwork, you know,” he said. Taako nodded, fixing Kravitz’ robes. They didn’t need fixing but he liked to remind Kravitz that he’s better at clothes than Kravitz is. 

Kravitz turned and face Merle and Magnus. “Boys, thank you for the help. I never want to see you when I’m on duty again,” he said kindly. 

Magnus raised his hand happily in farewell, the admonishment running off him. Merle muttered about a lack of gratitude, but didn’t speak up. 

“You gotta kiss me before you go,” Taako whined. 

Kravitz turned to him and leaned his head to the side. “My skin’ll be cold, you sure y-”

“You’re right, not worth it,” Taako interrupted. He stepped forward and kissed Kravitz on his boney cheekbone, proud of the nude purple lipstick mark he left behind. “See you tonight!”

Kravitz touched the tip of his finger bone to his cheek, his jaw relaxing in what Taako knew was a smile. He shifted and disappeared, the tips of his robes the last thing to move into the astral plane. 

“Did that go well?” Magnus asked.

“Hell yeah, we won!” Taako said cheerfully.

“We solved the dead bat puzzle!” Merle called out.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to the fandom and could do w some feedback, if you feel like commenting please do!!


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